We all want to feel valued, understood and empowered – at the office, at home and at the restaurant table with friends. Below are four communication approaches you can use to cultivate those feelings in your relationships. Some of these may take practice, but it’s worth it. And you can be a role model for these behaviors, because wouldn’t it be great to be on the receiving end of these?
1) Be in the present moment – Without concerning yourself with a situation in the past or future, be present and fully focused when having a conversation. That means putting your phone down and being in the moment.
2) Actively listen – Similar to #1, really listen to the person talking to you without judging it and thinking about what you’re going to say next. Be engaged.
3) Acknowledge what’s being said – Have you ever been with friends who repeat themselves a lot? If it’s not due to a poor memory, it’s probably because they don’t feel acknowledged yet for what they’ve shared. Whether it’s “That’s understandable” or “I’d imagine that would be difficult” or “Fantastic! Congratulations!” – people want to feel heard and acknowledged for what they’re sharing. At the same time, be careful not to say “I understand” or “I know how you feel.” No two situations or people are exactly alike, and it often minimizes the experience of the other person.
4) Stop “shoulding” and ask questions – Do you like being told what to do? Yeah, most people don’t. When you’re in a conversation, ask open-ended questions instead of trying to solve the problem. Ask questions like: “What do you think?” “How would you feel if you did that?” “What do you think the best next step is?”
It’s nice to be the person with the answers. However, it’s much more empowering for your friend if you ask her questions instead of “shoulding” on her. This approach also helps ensure you aren’t making assumptions about what your friend thinks or feels.
I’ve had clients tell me they can’t believe what a difference these communication approaches have made in their relationships. Try each of these for a week and let me know (in the comments below) how the dynamic changes in your relationships.
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