You can talk about change, want change, put some effort into creating change – and yet find yourself with little progress at year’s end. Why is that? Are people really capable of creating change? Is it ever too late to change?
Here’s the short answer: People are capable of change at any age, including you. You have to want it and use the right approach. Good intentions won’t get you there – believe me, I’ve tried. (What a bummer that was to realize!)
So, let’s get real about real change …
Why We Don’t Change:
The reasons we stick with our old behaviors even if they haven’t helped us reach our full potential are because:
- It’s easier to keep doing what we’ve always done; we don’t want to put in the work
- We naturally default to old patterns when the going gets tough, because we’ve been operating with the same beliefs and behaviors for decades – they’re a habit
- We’re often unaware of what beliefs are leading to these behaviors that we want to change, and we can’t create real change until we are aware of the beliefs causing the behaviors
That last one is a doozy. Take time to think about this … What was it like for you in your family dynamic when you were 8 years old? What did you learn? Did you learn that if you stay quiet no one will get mad? Did you learn the world is an unfriendly place or that people can’t be trusted? Did you learn you’re not good enough unless you acted like this or accomplished that?
If you formulated that belief or used that behavior to survive when you were eight years old, you’re probably doing it now. Why? Because these beliefs and behaviors served you. They helped you survive. As a result, it’s difficult to let them go.
How to Create Real Change:
- Become conscious of your beliefs. Start by observing your own behaviors and thoughts. For a week, write down your observations in a journal reflecting on your behaviors and what caused them. For example, why did you react that way to your spouse, coworker or child? What belief did you have that caused the behavior? Observe, dig in and be honest with yourself. (For example, did you get upset today because your coworker challenged you or because you believe – deep down – that his/her opinion is more valued than yours?)
- Question your beliefs. If you believe the world is an unfriendly place, think: maybe that’s not true. The world IS a friendly place, and I’m going to start looking for friendliness in the interactions I have with others. You see what you believe. It’s great to be right, right? If you believe the world is a friendly place, you’ll start to see more friendly interactions. Really! Crazy cool, right? (To further the example from above, you may need to challenge the belief that someone else’s viewpoint has more value than yours.)
- Shift the beliefs that aren’t serving you or helping you thrive. Perhaps you choose two of your most disserving beliefs and make a conscious effort and develop daily reminders and practices to shift those beliefs and see how your behaviors and outcomes change.
Lasting change comes from the inside out. If you believe you’re not good enough to pursue this or achieve that – changing that belief is the key! And changing a habit takes consistent work and reminders.
Key Ingredients for Lasting Change:
- Work with a coach or therapist. I found it essential, from personal experience, to work with a coach who can be an objective observer of my thoughts and behaviors to help me become more aware of my beliefs.
- Realize it’s worth the effort to thrive instead of survive. It can be easier to stay in survival mode. It’s work to change your beliefs and behaviors. Imagine thriving, working past some fears, feeling your best. Remind yourself, as often as necessary, that it’s worth it.
- Step out of your comfort zone. Change will require you to take action beyond your comfort zone. You gotta want more for yourself.
- Hang around people who are also capable of change and growth. Spend time with the dreamers and doers and let go of the relationships with the naysayers. Change is hard enough without being around negative talk, inaction and complaining.
- Believe you can change. Approach your change with the belief you can do it, because YOU CAN!
- Realize you can try things, take steps, be iterative. Change doesn’t have to occur in one giant step toward success. Think of it as a step-by-step, decision-by-decision process. You’ll see the reward.
- Be grateful for where you are now. Being frustrated and lacking gratitude with what you have now will hold you back; it’s essential to practice gratitude for who you are and where you are to get unstuck.
- Have daily practices. To cultivate this change, you need to incorporate daily, healthy practices e.g. meditation, coaching sessions, personal reminders, supporters.
- Realize you’re fabulous as you are. It’s not about fixing yourself. If you have a nagging internal voice saying “I’m capable of so much more and I’m frustrated not living at my full potential,” then listen to that voice and let it guide you to take action and be open to change. Don’t beat yourself up and believe you need to be fixed.
- Realize you don’t have to do anything all by yourself. Look for help from the Divine spirit or universal energy. There’s a power and energy that can guide you to your full potential if you let it.
Wanting to thrive and not just survive is an important, human, fabulous thing. You’re worth the effort, and more people will benefit from your gifts if you’re in thrival mode.
I can’t wait to hear what you think about this. Please share your comments or questions in the section below. Let me know which of these actions you may find the most challenging or helpful in your path of growth and change. I’m here with ya. Hug!
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